#200 – The Stuff that Sex Dreams are Made of

I spent most of this morning researching the meaning of dreams. But not just any old dreams; I delved the significance of the sexual ones involving people we know. This investigation took a lot longer than I’d expected. Then again, I admittedly had to dig deep to locate a palatable reason for the doozie which disrupted my slumber last night.

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#207 – Car Trouble

My father-in-law drove too far into his garage yesterday and hit the back wall. Luckily, the airbag didn’t trigger and he didn’t get hurt; but both vehicle and wall will need body work. He can’t understand how the device he installed to prevent such a disaster failed so miserably. I can, however; which is why I pray he never solves the mystery.

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#216 – The Horror of it All

I’ve always known how deeply religious my mother-in-law is. But until now, I’d never realized how superstitious she also can be. Had it not been for the marathon of horror movies she watched last week, I might’ve remained blissfully ignorant. Instead, I can’t show my face at the in-laws’ house once more, and I’m afraid to open my own front door as well.

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#232 – What Did I Say?

Today, I visited my mother-in-law for the first time since she accused me of trafficking with the Devil. I agreed to the date only after Maria promised my wife not to attempt an exorcism the moment I walked through the door. Though the old lady kept her word, after our abbreviated get together I vowed never to talk to her again unless she obtains the hearing aid she obviously needs.

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#244 – As Shouldn’t be Seen on TV

There’ve been some idiotic products sold on television over the years. And at least one of them compounds its absurdity with an equal dose of danger. I’m referring to the “Plug Mug,” of course. Though I’ve never seen its commercial, I’ve been told the seller advertises it as a security device. The ceramic coffee cup contains a pluggable hole in its lower side which, when uncorked, prevents one’s co-workers from “accidentally” using it. On the downside, however, the removal of the plug poses a substantial hazard to persons and property should a pourer fail to recognize its absence.

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#262 – A Card for Every Occasion

I’m one of those people who can’t remember a birthday to save his life. If a family member’s or friend’s special day isn’t logged on my calendar, it might as well not exist. Even worse, I tend to record such occasions only after I’ve missed them. Take my brother-in-law’s D.O.B., for example. Just today, I finally got around to inking it onto my calendar. I say better late than never. Understandably, Vincenzo begs to differ.

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#268 – Live From Georgia

I’ve heard of parental controls in the context of television sets and video games, but having no kids of my own, I’ve never had to implement them. I certainly didn’t apply any when I set up my PlayStation 3 system; and their necessity never occurred to me when I connected an Xbox 360 for my five-year-old nephew and activated “Xbox Live.” Undoubtedly, I’ll be blamed for the consequences.

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#270 – What’s Lent

I doubt I’d suffer half as many run-ins with my mother-in-law if she’d simply remember I’m Jewish. Problematically, for me, each time she forgets this minor detail, she interprets my failure to follow Catholic tenets as evidence of at least mortal sin and at most satanic possession. This year’s Lent controversy represents only the latest example.

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