#58 – Oh Shiatsu!

My wife loves massages. In theory, I don’t, mainly because I’ve never particularly enjoyed being touched. Nonetheless, when Sophia (for my last birthday) purchased a session at a local Asian massage parlor, I could hardly refuse. She told me she’d sprung for the best package – the “Everything” deal – and insisted I’d love it. A couple of months ago, I finally went.

Continue reading

#60 – “What’s that Smell?”

I think all people can be divided into two categories: sniffers and non-sniffers. Take me, for instance. I’m a certified non-sniffer. Without a doubt, scent remains my least favorite sense. In fact, every time I’ve played the “what if” game, and the question was “Which sense would you give up, if you had to lose one?,” I’ve always chosen smell. That means I don’t go looking for odors. If something doesn’t smell like death warmed over, I’m generally able to ignore it.

Continue reading

#67 – Wedding Announcements

I promised I’d report on my sister’s wedding, and now’s as good a time as any. Overall, I can’t complain. The ceremony itself – performed by the groom’s Rabbi – was tasteful, and blessedly short. Noticeably, the couples’ vows (carefully negotiated by the divorce lawyer groom and the private detective bride, or so I heard) were bereft of certain traditional elements. Neither Lisa nor Ed vowed to honor and obey the other, or to remain joined for better or worse. Ed, who’d pushed for the “better or worse” omission, may’ve thought he’d scored a major win; but both my brother and I agreed that the lack of the “honor and obey” from Lisa would end up biting the groom in the ass.

Continue reading

#73 – Singing?

My wife has an annoying habit of trespassing in my office. Though there’s a perfectly fine space for her upstairs, she insists on using my first floor room whenever the mood strikes her. Sophia defends her squatting on the grounds of marital privilege, but I fail to see how a ring on my finger grants her the right to traipse into my personal space uninvited and unwelcomed. She makes herself at home there too, lounging in my executive chair, surfing the web on my computer, watching my TV, and paying bills on my desk. At times, she even wanders in merely to sing!

Continue reading

#93 – Kissin’ Cousins

Last night, my wife’s brother, Giuseppe, informed her that their cousin Carlo (from Sicily) said to send Sophia “his love.” Her cheeks bloomed a surprising shade of scarlet at the announcement. When I asked what was up, Giuseppe answered: “You mean, my sister never told you about the kissing cousin? Oh, you’ve got to hear this!” I listened, and the tale did not disappoint. Here’s the story.

Continue reading

#104 – Welcome to the Company

In my opinion placing blind faith in anyone, no matter how trustworthy, can only lead to trouble. And after yesterday’s events, I think my wife’s inclined to agree. Sophia’s convinced I’m a genius in terms of writing skills and good judgment. (Only in a professional sense, of course. My judgment in every other area is questionable at best.) As a result, she often asks me to edit her business communications when phrasing and nuance seem critical.

Continue reading