#3 – Oedipus Rex

Boy, am I pissed! Oedipus has gone missing, and all signs point to Sophia as the guilty party. Oedipus is my pet iguana, named after the ancient Greek king who married his mother and killed his father. Not that I condone such behavior. No, I just thought it fitting to put all the money my parents spent on a degree in Greek history to some use.

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#6 – Porn

My wife’s always denied having ever watched porn, any porn. After last night’s event, I’m more inclined to believe her. Recently, she asked me if I thought we should “spice up our love life” …? That’s a phrase I ordinarily view with deep suspicion (owing to an unfortunate incident during my first marriage). However, when the Mrs. finished her thought with “by watching an X-rated movie together,” I (or, to be precise, Little Richard) said “absolutely!”

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#14 – Real Housewives, Lots of Them

I spent some time last night scrolling through the roster of recorded shows on our DVR, all the while bitching at Sophia (over the amount of storage space she’d hogged, taping episodes from every “Real Housewives” series in existence). In exasperation, I asked her “Honey, why must you watch the shows from every frigging city that trots out a group of rich, self-centered, silicone-enhanced bimbos? Can’t you pick one set of tarts, and leave space on the DVR for something even minutely less inane?”

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#38 – The Great Outdoors

Early this morning, Sophia and I returned from our abbreviated weekend camping trip. I doubt there will ever be another. Frankly, I was surprised she suggested camping in the first place. The notorious insect and snake hater had never been before (a life-experience omission I’d thought deliberate). As I pointed out when she proposed the concept, “You do realize there’s no manicurist at a campsite, and we can’t bring along the bathtub?”

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#44 – Are Those the Lips You Kiss Your Mother With?

It never ceases to amaze me how conveniently selective my wife can be, when it comes to choosing which objects she’s willing to put in or against her mouth. Last month, she pressed her lips against my late iguana’s face, with disastrous results. A few days ago, she returned home from work and French kissed Prometheus for forty-six seconds.

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#53 – A Case of Mistaken Identity

After yesterday’s incident at the mall, I’m beginning to think my neighborhood may no longer be big enough for both us and our neighbors. As it is, we haven’t been on good terms with “Lucrecia” and “Hernando” since the day I inadvertently blabbed my knowledge of Hernando’s cross-dressing fetish. I’m fairly sure now, one couple will need to relocate; else, I’m afraid violence may erupt.

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