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My wife’s always denied having ever watched porn, any porn. After last night’s event, I’m more inclined to believe her. Recently, she asked me if I thought we should “spice up our love life” …? That’s a phrase I ordinarily view with deep suspicion (owing to an unfortunate incident during my first marriage). However, when the Mrs. finished her thought with “by watching an X-rated movie together,” I (or, to be precise, Little Richard) said “absolutely!”

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I spent some time last night scrolling through the roster of recorded shows on our DVR, all the while bitching at Sophia (over the amount of storage space she’d hogged, taping episodes from every “Real Housewives” series in existence). In exasperation, I asked her “Honey, why must you watch the shows from every frigging city that trots out a group of rich, self-centered, silicone-enhanced bimbos? Can’t you pick one set of tarts, and leave space on the DVR for something even minutely less inane?”

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As much as I like dogs, I’m not sure they’re for everyone, my wife included. Sure, Sophia loves Prometheus (it’d be hard not to fall for the little bugger), but his less-reputable behavior often clashes with her germaphobic tendencies. Last night’s episode was a perfect case in point.

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Early this morning, Sophia and I returned from our abbreviated weekend camping trip. I doubt there will ever be another. Frankly, I was surprised she suggested camping in the first place. The notorious insect and snake hater had never been before (a life-experience omission I’d thought deliberate). As I pointed out when she proposed the concept, “You do realize there’s no manicurist at a campsite, and we can’t bring along the bathtub?”

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One of the Bar associations I belong to has issued the first call for volunteers, to man our booth at a metro-area festival this fall. Though I’ve participated the past several times, and undoubtedly will sign up once more, I can only hope that nothing like last year’s misunderstanding occurs again.

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It never ceases to amaze me how conveniently selective my wife can be, when it comes to choosing which objects she’s willing to put in or against her mouth. Last month, she pressed her lips against my late iguana’s face, with disastrous results. A few days ago, she returned home from work and French kissed Prometheus for forty-six seconds.

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After yesterday’s incident at the mall, I’m beginning to think my neighborhood may no longer be big enough for both us and our neighbors. As it is, we haven’t been on good terms with “Lucrecia” and “Hernando” since the day I inadvertently blabbed my knowledge of Hernando’s cross-dressing fetish. I’m fairly sure now, one couple will need to relocate; else, I’m afraid violence may erupt.

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