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Yesterday, when Sophia’s sister-in-law and mother both came down with some sort of violent bug, my wife graciously volunteered “our” services to host her niece and nephew for the evening. I could tell Gina and Maria must’ve been sick as dogs, since neither of them said “boo” at the idea of leaving the tykes in my questionable company.

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I just got back from Sunday dinner at the in-laws’ house. Why they call a meal served at 2:00 in the afternoon “dinner” remains a mystery to me, but not the one addressed by today’s post. Of more significance, this July 10 meal with the Gambino clan will probably be my last for the foreseeable future.

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Since I’m not presently welcome at the in-laws’ residence, I told Sophia’s visiting nephew, Nunzio, he could stop by our house today and throw a ball around. In the midst of playing catch, the 15-year-old caught me off guard with a bunch of questions about drugs. No kid had ever posed those inquiries to me before; nor did I have a clue as to the experts’ recommendations under such circumstances. Not seeing any better alternative, I decided to give him the unvarnished truth. Here’s the meat of our conversation.

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In order to understand the unicorn debacle, you first have to understand Gina. My sister-in-law thinks of herself as firmly grounded in reality. As I see it, her monthly credit card debt (at times greater than her husband’s take home pay) proves that the last thing she’s actually grounded in is reality. Nonetheless, in this instance, it’s the thought that counts.

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Though Gina prayed Franco’s unicorn fantasy would magically vanish after the library fiasco, she felt no surprise when her son revisited the subject the very next day. She was in the kitchen, doing some last minute straightening, when she heard a painful yelp echoing from the foyer. Responding immediately, she found her boy on his knees, crying, and bemoaning the fact that “My unicorn hurt me!”

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Yesterday, a distasteful habit of yore came back to bite me in the ass. One of my favorite “party tricks” used to involve eating worms. As a young adult, I thought nothing bespoke “cool” so much as a live earthworm dangling from my lips, and then vanishing down the gullet before an astonished bystander. But like so many good things, the pastime eventually fell by the wayside, mainly due to practical considerations (i.e., a desire to get laid before I turned seventy). As a result, prior to last morning, it’d been a good twenty years since I last sucked down a tasty annelid.

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School started here in Georgia this week. Though it’s been more than twenty years since I last sat in a classroom, I still managed to get myself in trouble with a teacher. I learned of the hot water I’m in this afternoon, when my irate sister-in-law, Gina, demanded to know why I’d called her kid’s kindergarten teacher a “prick.”

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I’m in trouble with my wife’s family again. Typically, the problem arose from my interaction with a child. I don’t understand why I’m to blame though, when Sophia’s siblings are the ones who allow me to speak with their kids. As even I know, parents commonly tell their offspring not to talk to strangers. If Sophia’s family would simply add “or Uncle Richard” to that warning, I’m sure we’d all be a lot happier.

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