#19 – Forget You? No, F**k You, Most Definitely!

I like the Cee Lo Green song, “Forget You.” I positively love its unsanitized version, “F**k You.” That’s the one I downloaded and burned a few weeks ago, along with some other current tunes I fancy. After popping the shiny new CD into my car’s player, I listened to it nonstop for a solid week. Then, in typical fashion, I forgot about it. Yesterday, the CD’s existence and contents were recalled to my attention by Sophia’s sister-in-law, Gina.

Continue reading

#25 – One for the Crapper

Yesterday, when Sophia’s sister-in-law and mother both came down with some sort of violent bug, my wife graciously volunteered “our” services to host her niece and nephew for the evening. I could tell Gina and Maria must’ve been sick as dogs, since neither of them said “boo” at the idea of leaving the tykes in my questionable company.

Continue reading

#34 – Anything but the Truth

Since I’m not presently welcome at the in-laws’ residence, I told Sophia’s visiting nephew, Nunzio, he could stop by our house today and throw a ball around. In the midst of playing catch, the 15-year-old caught me off guard with a bunch of questions about drugs. No kid had ever posed those inquiries to me before; nor did I have a clue as to the experts’ recommendations under such circumstances. Not seeing any better alternative, I decided to give him the unvarnished truth. Here’s the meat of our conversation.

Continue reading

#47 – There’s No Such Thing as a Unicorn! — Part 1

In order to understand the unicorn debacle, you first have to understand Gina. My sister-in-law thinks of herself as firmly grounded in reality. As I see it, her monthly credit card debt (at times greater than her husband’s take home pay) proves that the last thing she’s actually grounded in is reality. Nonetheless, in this instance, it’s the thought that counts.

Continue reading

#48 – There’s No Such Thing as a Unicorn! — Part 2

Though Gina prayed Franco’s unicorn fantasy would magically vanish after the library fiasco, she felt no surprise when her son revisited the subject the very next day. She was in the kitchen, doing some last minute straightening, when she heard a painful yelp echoing from the foyer. Responding immediately, she found her boy on his knees, crying, and bemoaning the fact that “My unicorn hurt me!”

Continue reading

#59 – The Early Bird

Yesterday, a distasteful habit of yore came back to bite me in the ass. One of my favorite “party tricks” used to involve eating worms. As a young adult, I thought nothing bespoke “cool” so much as a live earthworm dangling from my lips, and then vanishing down the gullet before an astonished bystander. But like so many good things, the pastime eventually fell by the wayside, mainly due to practical considerations (i.e., a desire to get laid before I turned seventy). As a result, prior to last morning, it’d been a good twenty years since I last sucked down a tasty annelid.

Continue reading

#63 – A Prickly Situation

School started here in Georgia this week. Though it’s been more than twenty years since I last sat in a classroom, I still managed to get myself in trouble with a teacher. I learned of the hot water I’m in this afternoon, when my irate sister-in-law, Gina, demanded to know why I’d called her kid’s kindergarten teacher a “prick.”

Continue reading

#85 – Children Beware

I’m in trouble with my wife’s family again. Typically, the problem arose from my interaction with a child. I don’t understand why I’m to blame though, when Sophia’s siblings are the ones who allow me to speak with their kids. As even I know, parents commonly tell their offspring not to talk to strangers. If Sophia’s family would simply add “or Uncle Richard” to that warning, I’m sure we’d all be a lot happier.

Continue reading