A Warm Welcome

Richard Stern here. I’ve got stuff on my mind, and stories to tell (even the ones which make me sound like an idiot). And for reasons I’d rather not go into, pressing the flesh in person seems out of the question. So what better means of getting my message across than a blog? If my ten-year old nephew can do it, why not a grown man of 45?

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#1 – Why is My Erectile Dysfunction Drug the Same Color as My Cholesterol Medication?

You know the old adage, “shit happens”? Well, it tends to happen to me, a lot; Friday’s fiasco serving as a perfect case in point. I take Crestor for my cholesterol, to keep those arteries unclogged. And beginning last year, I also started taking Levitra … for a somewhat different blood flow issue. Both pills are small, round and pinkish in hue. If one isn’t sufficiently careful, it’s easy to confuse them. I guess I’m not sufficiently careful.

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#2 – Ah, Youth!

The family’s elder statesman, my brother Frank, telephoned last night. Mr. Public Defender wanted to amuse me with the tale of the latest miscreant he’d represented. According to Frank, young Thom Forrest, a testosterone-laced lad of 16, had unwittingly solicited a sexual act from an undercover policewoman, having mistaken her for a whore.

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#3 – Oedipus Rex

Boy, am I pissed! Oedipus has gone missing, and all signs point to Sophia as the guilty party. Oedipus is my pet iguana, named after the ancient Greek king who married his mother and killed his father. Not that I condone such behavior. No, I just thought it fitting to put all the money my parents spent on a degree in Greek history to some use.

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#6 – Porn

My wife’s always denied having ever watched porn, any porn. After last night’s event, I’m more inclined to believe her. Recently, she asked me if I thought we should “spice up our love life” …? That’s a phrase I ordinarily view with deep suspicion (owing to an unfortunate incident during my first marriage). However, when the Mrs. finished her thought with “by watching an X-rated movie together,” I (or, to be precise, Little Richard) said “absolutely!”

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#9 – One Lucky Bastard

After mournfully boxing up Oedipus’ aquarium and heat rock – all while flashing my best evil eye at Sophia – I sat down to breakfast this morning … only to find that my wife, the (alleged) lizard slayer, had added insult to injury, by drinking the milk I’d intended for my Grape Nuts. The result was an unscheduled trip to the supermarket for yours truly.

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