#349 – Book ‘Em Stern-o!

Once more, inane writing and ridiculous plot twists have driven me off a proverbial cliff’s edge.  The season finale of Hawaii Five-O proved so dreadfully absurd I’ve vowed never to watch it again.  Even so, I probably should’ve kept that opinion to myself.

For those lucky enough to miss the series’ “shocking cliffhanger” last Monday, let me recap.  Chin Ho Kelly, a member of an elite task force answerable only to the governor of Hawaii, abused his authority and freed a sociopathic dirty cop from prison.  Why?  Because the former officer had arranged for Kelly’s wife and cousin to be kidnapped, and he’d threatened to kill both of them unless Kelly managed his release.  Mind you, the writers earlier had Kelly cover up his police officer uncle’s theft of millions of dollars from an evidence locker.

I would’ve thought an elite task force member had the balls to resist terroristic threats against his family.  Yet thanks to the show’s writers, poor Chin Ho Kelly comes across not only as ethically challenged but also as the easiest blackmail target on earth! 

Last Tuesday, I vented my displeasure over the visual excrement I’d witnessed the night before.  I drafted a new oath of office for the Five-O team to better match the characters’ questionable behavior.  I planned to send it to the show’s producer, along with my “thank you” note for sabotaging a promising series.

I left the untitled sheet on my desk, where it sat until my secretary transmitted it this morning.  Admittedly, in retrospect, my instructions could’ve been more precise.  Rather than simply direct my secretary, as I did, to “grab the law enforcement page on my desk and fax it with this cover sheet,” I probably should’ve added a detail or two.  For instance, I might’ve identified the writing as a “marked-up cover letter to a sheriff’s office asking for a job as a deputy.”  With a tad more specificity from me, the client who’d solicited my comments on his son’s proposed correspondence and resume might not have received the following:

I swear to serve the law and uphold the Constitution of the United States at all times, no matter the circumstances, more or less.  Should a criminal threaten my friend or family member with bodily injury, incarceration or economic loss, I immediately will cave in to all terroristic demands.  My resulting violations of legal and ethical responsibilities shall include, but not necessarily be limited to: a) destroying critical evidence which would have assured the conviction of a dangerous felon; b) removing from the evidence locker seized cash or drugs valued at millions of dollars and turning it over to the coercing party; and c) releasing a homicidal maniac from a secure prison facility, thereby enabling a further killing spree that would have been impossible otherwise.

Apparently, my client doesn’t consider his son’s longed-for career in law enforcement a topic of amusement.  As the peeved man informed me an hour ago, neither he nor his boy appreciated my proposed oath of office and the cover sheet accompanying it, in which I’d opined: “With this letter and his resume, I think John stands an excellent chance of securing the position he deserves!”

crime drama crossed off my list!


#349 – Book ‘Em Stern-o! — 1 Comment

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