#340 – Just for Richard

Would you believe? My mistaken loan of Fifty Shades of Grey to my mother-in-law seems to have softened her attitude toward yours truly. Since then, she hasn’t phoned her priest once to request an exorcism. She’s even begun saying “good morning” as if she means it. And miracle of miracles, she actually purchased a gift for me, without anyone twisting her arm. The trouble is the present itself or, more accurately, a request which accompanied Maria’s largess.

I got wind of the unsolicited bounty last night, when Sophia interrupted my shower with late-breaking news: “Richard, guess what?! My mom just told me she bought something for you online. How great is that?!! Maybe she’s finally starting to warm up. So, here’s the deal. You can’t blow this! Mom didn’t tell me what the present is, and I didn’t ask. But whatever she bought, you better use it or else!”

This morning, my benefactor dropped off a small, neatly wrapped package, replete with a bright red bow on top. She didn’t stick around to see me open it. Rather, she simply handed over the object and cryptically explained: “I found something on the internet I think you could use. Maybe you can try it today and show me tonight?” Without another word, she left.

Minutes after Maria’s departure, I unwrapped her gift. I’ve been in a quandary ever since. Presumably, she believes a man of my age shouldn’t show any gray in his hair. But I don’t mind a few silver sprinkles, and Sophia thinks they lend a distinguished air. Nonetheless, I don’t need to phone the Mrs. to hear where she stands on the matter. She’ll undoubtedly say: “If my mom thinks you should color your hair, then color your hair!”

Sophia’s ultimatum isn’t what’s vexing me though. Rather, it’s her mother’s curious request to see the present’s end result which has me pacing the halls. I’m sure I wouldn’t be obsessing if she’d given me one of those “Just for Men” kits. Except she didn’t, and the fact that her selection of an alternative brand was undoubtedly accidental doesn’t solve my dilemma.

Accident or not, I suppose I’ll have to use Maria’s gift, if only to maintain peace with Sophia. Yet even if it spells the end of the old lady’s newfound goodwill, I plan to refuse her request. There’s simply no way I’m going to show my mother-in-law the view after applying “Black Betty” … a coloring system designed specially for pubic hair and advertised as the “1st & ONLY safe hair color dye that men can use down there!” 


It’s just for men too!

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