#316 – Loretta in the House

Temporarily storing a friend’s sex doll wasn’t a favor I undertook lightly. And it’s a gesture I’m not likely to repeat. As I learned today, even the most innocent of associations with such a product can have unanticipated repercussions, no matter one’s precautions.

When Jamie first asked if could “do [him] a large one,” I cringed. I felt no less reticent when he ambiguously explained his request: “Richard, do you think you could take Loretta for a few days?”

I didn’t know any Loretta, but more to the point, I couldn’t understand why a guy I’d met only once – a month ago – would think to ask me for a favor. Caught by surprise, I simply blurted: “Who’s Loretta?”

“Sorry Richard, I assumed Jimmie told you. She’s my ‘Real Doll.’”

“Your what?”

Jamie explained: “You know; a sex doll. My girlfriend’s mother is gonna’ stay with us for a few days, and Tammie wants Loretta out of the house while her mom’s here.”

A host of questions came to mind, but I went with a practical one: “Can’t you toss ‘Loretta’ and replace her after Tammie’s mother leaves?”

“You want me to throw away a seven thousand dollar doll?!! Are you crazy?! I’m not getting rid of her, Richard, and you’re the only guy I know who doesn’t have kids and won’t try to take her for a test run.”

After silently contemplating the attributes of a seven thousand dollar sex doll, I reluctantly agreed to host Loretta. Jamie dropped her off yesterday.

It turns out seven thousand bucks buys quite a lot. Not only does Loretta have lifelike proportions and heft, but her features look incredibly real as well. At a glance, she seems human: comatose or deceased perhaps, but human nonetheless. Even her private parts resemble their flesh and blood cousins! (C’mon, you’d peak too, wouldn’t you?)

I took precautions to prevent any embarrassment as a result of Loretta’s stay. I laid her down on our guest bed and closed the door to the room. In addition, I explicitly warned my wife about the doll, making clear that I’m merely storing her for a friend. I warned my sister-in-law too, but only because I’d asked her to feed Prometheus and let him out of the house during my court appearance this morning.

I didn’t think to alert my mother-in-law. Since she had no reason to visit our home and wouldn’t know a sex doll from a vibrator, I thought the precaution unnecessary. I didn’t see the flaw in my reasoning until I arrived home early this afternoon, only to discover that Maria had inherited my sister-in-law’s dog watching duties. I also learned that the ever-suspicious woman had felt obliged to open the one closed door she’d happened upon. Naturally, I tried to explain that “the dead lady” she’d seen atop the bed was nothing more than an inanimate doll belonging to a friend. It took some doing, but I eventually convinced her … and the deputy sheriff whom the 911 operator had dispatched in response to the old lady’s call.

You can call her Loretta, if you like.

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