I apologized to Ned this morning for standing him up yesterday. But at least our phone call cleared up the mystery that’s had my wife in a tizzy. Now the only question is, do I tell her?
My friend and I were supposed to go head to head online yesterday using our PS3s. As agreed, Ned sent me a custom game invite at our 1:00 p.m. start time. When I failed to respond to his initial message, he transmitted another. Over the course of the following hour, he delivered two more requests before finally giving up.
Each of Ned’s game invites appeared on the top right corner of my television screen. With each subsequent message, he conveyed his growing exasperation, mainly by amping up the foulness of his language. Here are Ned’s missives, in order:
It’s time to get your ass whipped, boy!
Put your dick back in your pants so we can get busy!
What the hell, cocksucker? Your punishment awaits.
Finish fucking your dog, wash your hands and come meet your maker!
As I admitted to Ned, I completely forgot about our PlayStation date. I spent the entire afternoon helping my buddy Jimmy install shelving in his garage. Consequently, I wasn’t in our media room when Ned’s invites appeared on screen. But my mother-in-law was.
Knowing I’d be gone for the day, Sophia had invited her mom over for some one-on-one time. They chatted for a while before my wife suggested watching a movie. We’d recently signed up for Netflix, and I’d shown her how to stream content using the PS3. When Sophia told her mother they could watch practically any film, Maria named a title she’d long desired to see, but never had. It happened to be available, and Sophia cued it up at 12:50 p.m.
Because she’d already seen the movie, Sophia temporarily excused herself after five minutes. She meant to put in a single load of laundry and quickly return. Instead, she lost track of the time, and a good hour passed while she busied herself with chores. She’d just finished changing our bedding when she caught sight of her mother heading for the front door.
When asked to explain her abrupt departure, the extremely annoyed old lady told her daughter, in heavily-accented English: “I didn’t like that movie at all. Those subtitles were disgusting! And to think, Pinocchio’s supposed to be for kids!”