#275 – An Engagement to End All Engagements

It’s hard for me to choose the more welcomed news I received this afternoon. As much as I jumped for joy upon receiving my dis-invite to the upcoming McFarland-Davidson wedding, I nearly peed my pants laughing after learning I’d also been unfriended on Facebook by the bride’s father. Neither result surprises me, however, since the only thing smaller than John McFarland’s sense of humor is his religious tolerance.

I have no one but myself to blame for renewing a relationship with the horse’s ass I’ve known since high school. I considered him a pompous, insufferable bore as a teenager, and I hadn’t noted any marked improvements during the few times I’d run into him as an adult. If anything, his successful career as an orthopedic surgeon exacerbated his already ingrained beliefs. He thinks his rigid views are the only ones which matter, insists that strangers and friends call him “doctor,” and knows he works harder than everyone else, especially Ivy Leaguers. As it seems to me, the over-inflated ego of a guy who attended a lower tier college and medical school represents nothing short of penis envy.

Within a month of accepting John as my Facebook friend last year, his deluge of posts touting his own achievements and expressing his opinions as truths from God left me regretting my decision. If only I’d unfriended him then, I wouldn’t have numbered among the multitude receiving last week’s invitation to his daughter’s upcoming wedding gala.

While dithering over my response, I took time out to prepare a joke engagement announcement for the fiancés. Yesterday, I e-mailed it to John. Today, I received the “highly insulted” man’s reply, which gave me the welcomed news I’ve already mentioned and added a reminder that I’ll burn in hell. (Not the first time I’d heard that threat from him either.)

While John undoubtedly took umbrage at my substitution of his profile photo for the couple’s, and he clearly disliked my doctoring of the announcement to look like his local paper had published it, I suspect it was the article’s content which had him frothing at the mouth:

Dr. and Mrs. Doctor John Temple McFarland wish to announce the engagement of their daughter, Sheila Diane, to Robert Scott Davidson, son of Henry and Maryanne Davidson.

The bride’s father, a registered Republican and Christian fundamentalist, is a world-renowned orthopedic surgeon. A 1982 high school graduate who morally, socially and economically eclipsed all other members of his class, Dr. McFarland earned his B.S. from Crapbottom University in 1986 and obtained a medical degree from a respected facility/chicken farm in Grenada sometime thereafter.

* * *

Over the past 20 years, Dr. McFarland has skyrocketed to prominence among Connecticut’s medical elite, in the process earning the unstinting praise of his peers, the eternal gratitude of his patients, and a monthly paycheck large enough to make the Queen of England blanche. His meteoric rise naturally demanded the greatest of sacrifices, as Dr. McFarland toiled the kind of lengthy hours only another surgeon could appreciate, but certainly not the slackers engaged in less worthy professions (i.e., everyone else, especially lawyers). Critically, Dr. McFarland’s success represents a triumph of true American brains and ingenuity over the imbecility and incompetence of the Ivy League graduates, whose paper qualifications bear no relation to their merited entitlements.

A June 2012 wedding is planned.

 

A practical joke with ideal unintended consequences


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