#273 – The Forgiven Five

I don’t know what they’re called, but some couples create lists of the five celebrities each is allowed to sleep with in the unlikely event an opportunity arises. I’ve often wondered whether those protected rolls work as well in practice as in concept. After all, some lucky souls, somewhere, sometime, must’ve nailed a person or two they’d designated. Did their significant others actually hand out free passes as theoretically intended? This morning, I learned of at least one situation where the answer to that question was a resounding “no.”

My newest client, “Don,” has been sued for divorce on the grounds of adultery. Although he admits to having sex with other women while married, he nonetheless defends his conduct. He claims he and his wife had created protected lists, and he insists that each of his paramours had been entered on his. His list is in writing too, and he showed me a copy. In particular, he called my attention to a sentence preceding the hallowed names which read: “Sexual relations between the bearer of this document and any or all of the following five persons will not be deemed cheating.”

After perusing the clause, I asked him: “Do you consider this an enforceable contract with your wife, so she can’t claim adultery?”

“Absolutely! Any reason why I can’t?”

I took another gander before responding: “I’m pretty sure Georgia law won’t enforce any agreement permitting adultery. But even if such a contract could fly, there’s no signature from your wife on this one. Did she execute a copy?”

“No,” Don conceded. “Once she saw the names I included, she refused to sign.”

“About those names…” I questioned. “You certainly picked an obscure group of celebrities. I can’t say I recognize any of them!”

“Oh, they’re not technically celebrities,” Don admitted.

“’Technically’? Then who are they?” I asked.

Perusing his list, Don answered: “Let’s see, we have my wife’s tennis partner, her best friend, her second cousin, our kids’ nanny, and our next door neighbor.”

“Jesus! No wonder your wife refused to sign. What’d you expect when you asked for her blessing to sleep with these women?”

Don shrugged his shoulders and further explained: “To be completely accurate, I’d already banged them when I made the list. You see, when my wife and I decided to exchange fantasy rosters, no one said the sex had to be future.”


If my wife ever lets me create a list, this woman will definitely be on it!

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