#247 – If I Die

I recently witnessed a new Facebook app in action. It’s called “If I Die.” According to the marketing material, a user can create a video to be published on his or her Facebook wall after death. The user appoints three trustees who each have to confirm the user’s demise in order to post the video.

Two days ago, Art Williams’ “If I Die” video appeared in my Facebook newsfeed. Art was an acquaintance from high school. Except for the tidbits I’d seen in his posts after accepting his friend request, I knew nothing about his adult life. I certainly had no clue about his addictions and the havoc they’d wreaked.

Art’s postmortem video revealed his problems. Commencing the presentation, he admitted longstanding alcoholism. He was finally sober and working a twelve-step program, so he claimed. He wanted the video to include amends to those he’d wronged most, in case he didn’t live long enough to make things right in person.

First, he apologized to his wife: “Jackie, you’ve put up with my drinking problem for years, and I’m so grateful. But you didn’t realize addictive personalities often suffer more than one addiction. Unfortunately, I’m no exception. I’m sorry to tell you I’m also a sex addict. I’ve slept with over a hundred other women since we’ve been married, and I fathered children with three of them. Supporting those families is one of the reasons why we’ve had such trouble making ends meet. It’s not the only reason though. In addition to my sex addiction, I also have a gambling problem. Your diamond ring and the jewelry your mother left you weren’t stolen, like I said. Actually, I pawned them to cover losses I owed to my bookie.” 

The recipient of Art’s next apology was his business partner, John: “Pal, you’ve been a steadfast friend and loyal business partner for fifteen years. And how did I repay your trust? I’m ashamed to say I embezzled two hundred thousand dollars from our company to support my gambling habit!”

Last but not least, Art gave a heartfelt apology to a former employee of his and John’s: “Chris, I have to come clean with you too. Shamefully, when I fired you, I said you’d failed to do your job properly. In reality, I wanted you out of the office so you wouldn’t know your daughter was stopping by during school recess so I could bang her.”

Art’s video re-posted hourly on his wall for twenty-four hours. Yesterday, after its final display, another message replaced it, also from the dearly departed:

Art here. As you all can see, I’m not actually dead, yet. I guess I should’ve thought more carefully before choosing Jackie, John and Chris as the three trustees for my ‘If I Die’ video. No doubt, a less suspicious group would’ve waited until I’d actually kicked the bucket to post it.

Anyway, having heard from each of my trustees, it looks like I’ll need recommendations for a few good lawyers: one to handle the divorce action; one to defend me in the criminal trials; and one to represent me in the wrongful termination suit.


One last chance for closure in the hereafter

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