I traveled to one of Atlanta’s largest law firms yesterday to inspect documents in a case. In typical fashion, my adversary kept me waiting a half hour before making his appearance. The delay proved particularly grating, because I spent much of the time apologizing to the angry woman I’d inadvertently insulted.
When I announced myself to the receptionist, I noticed a slim, attractive, fortyish-looking blonde behind me. I didn’t catch her name, but I heard the receptionist tell her to make herself comfortable. She took a seat across from mine.
A single glance told me the woman had money, lots of money! From her designer accessories, enormous diamond ring, and bejeweled wrists and neck, I pegged her as one of the city’s snobbish elite. I never learned her name, but I pictured her as a “Sandra” who’d been known as “Sandy” in the days before she became too important for the pedestrian diminutive.
Without prompting, Sandra opened a dialogue: “Did you know that people with dog allergies can also be allergic to fox fur?”
I admitted I didn’t.
Again unsolicited, she announced: “Me neither, until a few days ago. You want to hear how I found out?”
It wasn’t as if I had anything better to do, so I said: “Sure.”
She informed me that she went to Manhattan last week, and on the last day visited a salon owned by one of the Real Housewives of New York. When Sandra learned of the establishment’s latest treatment, she thought it would make an excellent surprise present for her husband. She consequently purchased the “Foxy Bikini,” paying $225 for application of a swath of real fox fur to her waxed-bare bikini area!
“It looked amazing,” she exclaimed. “Only, before long, I started to cough and sneeze. My eyes itched, my nose ran, and I broke out in hives — down there!”
It’s not every day a complete stranger tells me about her pubic hives. Naturally, I wanted to hear more: “What did you do?”
Sandra continued: “As soon as I got home, I made an appointment with my dermatologist. Funny, I’d seen pictures of dogs on her office walls before, but I’d never realized what an animal nut she was until then.”
“Why do you say that?” I queried.
“As the doctor asked about my symptoms and examined me, my bikini patch eventually came up. She told me fox fur can cause the same allergic reactions as dog and cat dander. Then she yelled at me that ‘no fox should be killed just so your vagina can look trendier’ and threw me out of her office!”
“Can you believe the nerve of that bitch?!” Sandra went on. “I’m gonna’ tell my lawyer to sue her for all she’s worth! Actually, you’re also a lawyer, right? What would you advise?”
Call me an animal nut too, because the voice in my head exclaimed: If I was your lawyer, I’d tell you to take your snazzed-up snatch and get the hell out of my office! Or to be more precise, that’s what the voice I thought I’d kept in my head said.