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I’ve never performed as miserably taking a deposition as I did today. Then again, I’ve never seen a witness throw me off my game as thoroughly as the deponent did this morning. I arrived at opposing counsel’s office at 9:00 a.m. to depose Tracy Mathers, the plaintiff in a defective workmanship lawsuit against my client, the contractor who’d renovated her home. Though I didn’t recognize the plaintiff by name or appearance, I did think she looked vaguely familiar. The fact was she sported one distinctive feature reminiscent of someone I knew from my younger days.

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When it comes to women, I’m clueless. I know because my wife says so. Yet as inept as I’ve proven myself with the fair sex, I’ve more than met my match with Stan. He’s a lawyer I know through a local bar association and from the continuing legal education class he teaches. I’ve pegged him as a decent looking, intelligent and articulate guy, with a sense of humor to boot. Add a successful legal practice and it’s hard to believe he’s failed so miserably in the dating world; yet he has.

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While I know reality competition shows exist for many fields, the only one I watch is American Idol. I’m always amazed at the vocally challenged individuals laboring under the delusion that they’re God’s gift to singing. Every season, I question why the loved ones of those talentless souls don’t slap them silly and inform them that they are not, and never will be, the next American Idol.

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What’s in a name? I’d say “a lot,” especially in light of this afternoon’s conversation with Mary Pidgeon. I picked my wife up at her office today for one of our rare lunch dates. While she finished a task, she left me in the care of a co-worker, Mary. Mary knew I practiced law and asked whether I did any matrimonial work. When I answered in the affirmative, she told me her husband had just filed for divorce. Then she asked: “Will it be easy for me to take my maiden name again?”

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A subtle gag gift can provide more bang for the buck than the obvious ones, especially if the recipient proves careless. As anyone who knows me will attest, my middle initial “c” might as well stand for “careless.” And my Christmas t-shirt represents only the latest in a long string of examples.

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The new client I obtained this morning, “Ralph,” is a twenty-four-year-old, six-foot tall, handsome man with a thick head of coal black hair and a dazzling smile. Of equal significance, he weighs in at a hefty 388 pounds. I mention these attributes because they feature prominently in Ralph’s proposed lawsuit… against his twin brother, “Fred.”

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This morning, I tried to depose the defendant in a dispute among two partners. I say “tried” because the proceeding lasted all of ten minutes. Though my client warned me his former business associate acts the bully, neither of us expected him to make such a tangible attempt at intimidation.

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