#228 – Winter Wonderland

My friend spent half the afternoon today fielding calls from every neighbor within sight of his backyard. Though the caller differed each time Ned answered his office phone, the irate diatribes all sounded the same. Each conversation featured variations of the words “pervert,” “obscene,” and “pornographic.” Utterly mystified, he left work early to investigate the complaints.

As Ned just informed me, a healthy dollop of snow fell in his neighborhood over the weekend. At his wife’s strong suggestion, he helped their kids construct a snowman in their backyard yesterday. He insisted the final product wasn’t remotely inappropriate. As he put it: “We made an ordinary, run-of-the mill snowman, nothing more.”

He drove to work this morning unaware of anything amiss on the home front. At the same time, his equally clueless wife departed for a day-long play date at a friend’s abode. Ned was the first to arrive home and witness the cause of his neighbors’ discomfiture.

As he discovered, either overnight or during the morning, one or more unknown miscreants had vandalized his powdery creation in a decidedly X-rated fashion. Not only had the snowman himself acquired an enormous pecker and balls, but he’d also picked up a “companion.” Spreadeagled before him was a snow woman, replete with gigantic snow boobs and a furry tuft of dead grass below her snowy belly button!

Though he can’t prove it, yet, my friend has a pretty good idea of the artists responsible for the obnoxious scene. Two teenage brothers had thrown snowballs at Ned and his kids when construction began. Ned had followed the thugs home and ratted them out to their father, who promptly grounded them for the next month. Before departing their residence, Ned noticed the chastised teens glaring at him over their father’s shoulder, silently promising dire retribution.

Having seen a photo of Ned’s backyard masterpiece, I can confirm that it’s every bit as pornographic as claimed. It’s also hilarious. Ned didn’t send it to me though. He didn’t have to. I viewed it along with all of his other Facebook friends … posted on his wall, together with a reward offered for “any information on the criminals who framed me.”

 

Not suitable for children of all ages


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