I took two calls this morning from people looking for a good divorce lawyer. I might’ve handled one of the cases myself but for three impediments. First, I knew both of the callers. Second, the two of them were married to each other. And third, but certainly not least, I happened to be present at the events leading to their requests for legal representation; and I feared I’d have to testify at their trial.
Our friends Jimmy and Melinda hosted a small gathering Saturday night. Among their invitees were a couple we’d met a few times before, Sam and Tina. After a delicious meal, someone suggested playing a version of “truth or dare.” We all agreed, undoubtedly fueled by the after-dinner drinks we’d consumed.
The version we played required scraps of paper bearing each person’s name to be placed in a bowl. One by one, each of us drew a random name and asked that person a question. The “askee” could choose either to answer the question truthfully or opt for the dare. The penalty for failure to complete an assigned task was a shot of vodka.
Trouble occurred during the game’s second round, when Tina drew her own husband’s name and asked him a question that no one, least of all him, anticipated: “While the kids and I were visiting my mother in Florida last year, did you sleep with my sister?”
The game may’ve been called “truth or dare,” but I didn’t recall anyone swearing on a Bible to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I know I hadn’t when I’d answered a far less incendiary question during the game’s first round. Nor did I expect to hear anything other than a firm “no!” from Sam, whether or not he’d actually banged his sister-in-law. But much to the surprise of all present, he paused noticeably before blurting: “I’ll take the dare!”
If Sam believed his selection of “dare” fooled anyone, he was sadly mistaken. Looking round the table, I noted the same slack-jawed expression on each face except Tina’s. She sported a look of bloodthirsty determination one might expect to see from a Taliban firing squad. I could practically see the smoke pouring from her ears as she challenged her husband: “Fine! Since you’re such a lover of pussy … cats, I dare you to French kiss Lucy!”
I couldn’t have imagined a trapped badger appearing more worried than Sam. Caught between a rock and a hard place, he ignored Jimmy and Melinda’s fervent warnings and resignedly agreed to lock lips with their pet Siamese. But no one bothered to ask the kitty what she thought of the idea. Consequently, when Sam lifted her to his face and tried sticking his tongue in her mouth, the outraged feline raked his face with both of her front claws and left matching bloody furrows down his cheeks.
I hope Sam and Tina calm down eventually and reconsider their breakup. If not, it’s safe to say both of them have grounds for divorce: Tina for adultery; and Sam for extreme cruelty.