#40 – Emergency

On occasion, I’ve been known to assume the worst in medical situations. Take the condition which resulted in this morning’s trip to the doctor, for example. I’ve been experiencing a bizarre crunching sensation in my ear, for the past several days. Naturally, I reached the only logical conclusion: “tumor.” And since I could already hear the cancer crackling, I figured it must’ve grown beyond the point of removal.

Continue reading

#43 – Hear This

Our friends, Tracy and Ron, live nearby, together with Tracy’s 90-year-old grandmother, Betsy. Although nothing on Betsy works quite like it used to – she suffers from hearing loss and arthritis, and sometimes gets confused – she’s remarkably spry and mentally agile for a woman her age. She also happens to be a real firecracker: a feisty, highly-opinionated, and surprisingly current character, whose love for expressing views to anyone and everyone is matched only by her disdain for listening, to anyone and everyone (a trait explained only in part by her hearing difficulties). Best of all, Betsy has a catchphrase, which she typically employs when advertising a negative opinion about persons or entities.

Continue reading

#44 – Are Those the Lips You Kiss Your Mother With?

It never ceases to amaze me how conveniently selective my wife can be, when it comes to choosing which objects she’s willing to put in or against her mouth. Last month, she pressed her lips against my late iguana’s face, with disastrous results. A few days ago, she returned home from work and French kissed Prometheus for forty-six seconds.

Continue reading

#45 – Where’s Your Jumping Point?

This morning I saw an example of what may be the most universally applied and versatile parental answer to childhood stupidity, in all its forms. My neighbor caught her eight-year-old son and his friend skateboarding without a helmet. When she yelled at her boy to put one on, he responded with classic child logic, explaining that his friend, Jessica, doesn’t wear a helmet. His mother in turn applied a version of the standard response to such an assertion: “If Jessica jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”

Continue reading

#47 – There’s No Such Thing as a Unicorn! — Part 1

In order to understand the unicorn debacle, you first have to understand Gina. My sister-in-law thinks of herself as firmly grounded in reality. As I see it, her monthly credit card debt (at times greater than her husband’s take home pay) proves that the last thing she’s actually grounded in is reality. Nonetheless, in this instance, it’s the thought that counts.

Continue reading

#48 – There’s No Such Thing as a Unicorn! — Part 2

Though Gina prayed Franco’s unicorn fantasy would magically vanish after the library fiasco, she felt no surprise when her son revisited the subject the very next day. She was in the kitchen, doing some last minute straightening, when she heard a painful yelp echoing from the foyer. Responding immediately, she found her boy on his knees, crying, and bemoaning the fact that “My unicorn hurt me!”

Continue reading