#183 – The Two Hundred and Thirty Dollar Man

There’s a concept in real estate known as home flipping. It generally involves: purchasing a residence; making minimal cosmetic improvements, like painting and carpet cleaning; and then selling the place quickly for a profit. Today, I witnessed the practice in action for the first time, on a human.

A client invited me to play golf at his country club this morning. As I disrobed in the locker room after my typically abysmal performance on the links, the gent occupying the adjacent locker returned from the showers. He wore nothing but sandals and I couldn’t help but get an eyeful of him. Bald on top and potbellied, he stood about my height (around 5’ 8”). He displayed a case of middle-aged white man’s ass, with nary a curve to be seen on either butt cheek. As for his front view … Let’s just say the nickname “Tiny Tim” immediately popped into mind. The last things I noticed before proceeding to the showers were the clothes he pulled from his locker: tan slacks and a blue buttoned-down shirt.

If it hadn’t been for the wardrobe, I would’ve sworn someone new occupied his locker when I returned. The man dressing beside me sported a full head of jet black hair. And the blue buttoned-down shirt covering his torso exhibited no sign of a potbelly. Even more surprisingly, the tight cotton briefs he wore highlighted two well-rounded cheeks and a “package” no one would dare call tiny. The guy pulled on the same tan pants I’d spotted before and stepped into a pair of loafers. Voila; he suddenly stood a couple of inches taller than me!

He must’ve noticed me staring, because he decided to comment: “I don’t look the same, do I? You want to know my secret?”

I did indeed, and I said so.

“I was divorced a few months ago and I’m back in the dating world. As you saw for yourself, my natural look isn’t going to wow anyone, so I need a little help. And for less than three hundred bucks, I got it!” 

He proceeded to inventory his assortment of cosmetic improvements, from top to bottom. He began with his hairpiece: “the best money can buy, for about one-fifty!” Then came his “Insta Slim” tee shirt, which flattened his belly for the low price of twenty dollars. To the south were his “Shock Jock” briefs, purchased for approximately forty bucks, featuring built-in padding for the posterior area and a male shaping cup which “looks like I’ve got a lot more down there than the good Lord gave me.” And finally, there were the “Maxtal” shoe inserts which added two inches to his height, for another twenty dollars.

I congratulated him on his impressive instant makeover, but then asked the obvious: “You look great now, but what happens when a woman sees you in your natural state?”

The possibility didn’t faze him in the least. “Oh, I’m not worried about that. You see, I sell used cars for a living. And just like at work, until I’ve made a firm sale, I won’t let any woman peak under the hood so to speak.” 

 

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For about $230, almost anyone can look like a million bucks!


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