#170 – Who You Calling an Idiot?

The wife and I had intended to tour parts of southern Georgia this weekend. We planned to use the municipality of Columbus as our base and travel to various regional sites between Friday and Sunday. As it turned out, we made it to Columbus but no further, thanks to me.

We arrived at noon yesterday and stopped for a bite to eat. Stupidly, while stepping from the driver’s seat, I began perusing geographical materials I’d printed from the internet. I never saw the curb and consequently tripped headfirst onto the sidewalk.  Boy did I see stars! My nose throbbed madly, my front teeth felt loose, and blood poured from both regions.

Sophia hurriedly carted me to the nearest medical clinic. After an hour’s wait, a physician diagnosed a probable concussion, a definite broken nose, and a shredded upper lip. He gave me an injection for the pain, packed my nose with gauze, and stitched my lip. He also advised against any strenuous activity for the next several days.

By the time we exited the clinic, my face had swollen like a misshapen beach ball. Add a hump and I could’ve doubled for Quasimodo. Compounding the physical damage, a combination of Novocain-induced drool and concussion-glazed eyes lent me the slackjawed air of the mentally challenged.

In a daze, I walked to the driver’s side of Sophia’s car with keys in hand while she finished the paperwork at the clinic. She knew I shouldn’t drive and could see I wasn’t thinking clearly. Understandably fearing for my safety, she ran out of the building yelling at the top of her lungs. She doesn’t recall her exact words, but they were something along the lines of: “You idiot! If you don’t want your face broken even more, get away from that car immediately!”

Neither while shouting nor while yanking me from the driver’s side did Sophia note the police officer patrolling nearby. He certainly spotted her though. Alleged spousal relationship or not, before allowing her to plop me in the passenger seat and drive us home, he issued her a municipal citation … for abusing an idiot. I researched the surprising law on the internet today. The ordinance reads:

It shall be unlawful and disorderly conduct for any person to tease or harass, either by words, signs or acts, on the streets or public places in the city any simple minded, idiotic, or crazy person, or any cripple, or other unfortunate person, and it is hereby made the especial duty of the police department to enforce the terms of this section.

From the moment I awoke this morning, Sophia’s been yammering about the injustice of the charges against her and vowing to fight them, even if doing so means schlepping all the way to Columbus. At least, that was her position until I scanned the law and raised a question: “What if we have to prove I’m not an idiot?” I haven’t heard a peep from her since.


Columbus, Georgia – Where all visitors are welcomed and protected, especially idiots!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *