#152 – Professional Rates

I ran into my friend Jimmy at the polls this morning. After we cast our votes, he filled me in on the week-long cold shoulder he’s received from his wife. The ridiculous tale had me doubled over with laughter.

The trouble began when Jimmy returned from a hard day at work and found a ham sandwich and pickles awaiting him for dinner. When he testily asked his wife why she hadn’t cooked supper, Melinda told him she’d been too busy.

In hindsight, Jimmy realizes he should’ve kept his mouth shut. He didn’t though. Instead, he snidely commented: “What do you mean, ‘too busy’? You don’t even have a job! 

That got Melinda fired up. She answered: “I have job, asshole!: taking care of your kids, cleaning your house, doing your laundry, cooking your meals, and giving you sex! Only, I don’t get paid for any of it!!!”

Again, in retrospect Jimmy wishes he’d backed off. But he opted to go in the other direction: “Are you kidding me? You get paid for all of it! In case you’ve forgotten, I bring home a paycheck every week and you spend it!”

“So I’m a whore, am I?!!! Well, if I’m a whore, then I’m gonna start acting like one, just you wait and see!”

Jimmy insists he never used the word “whore”; but he also made no attempt to diffuse his wife’s anger. By the next morning, he’d already forgotten the argument. He left for work believing all was right in his world. It wasn’t.

When he returned home that evening, he found a delicious steak dinner awaiting him, along with Melinda’s $20 invoice for cooking it. Beneath that bill, he found another: $800 for one week of daycare, housecleaning, and laundry services.  Melinda seemed dead set on obtaining payment too.

As if the charges for household chores weren’t galling enough, Jimmy found an even greater shock awaiting him in the bedroom that night. Atop his nightstand, he discovered a typed spreadsheet of sexual acts and positions, with price tags attached to each!

A number of potential comebacks came to mind after Jimmy scanned his wife’s list. Of them all, only one seemed capable of eliciting a week-long silent treatment, as well as its accompanying strike concerning all non-child-related services. Naturally, that’s the comment he went with: “You expect me to pay professional rates, for amateur work?”

 
 
 
Just one of the services performed by many a housewife (or stay at home dad), without payment

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