#148 – Answering the Bell

I feel for my friend, Ned. Last night, he sadly informed me that his mother has to move to an assisted living facility. Though approaching eighty, she’d retained her independence and functioned well until fairly recently. But she’s begun to suffer dementia, and the accidents she’s suffered in the past two months suggest it’s no longer safe for her to live alone. Not only has she locked herself out of the house on three occasions, but she also forgot to turn a stovetop burner off one evening and nearly burned down the place!

The latest incident – the one which prompted an emphatic “recommendation” to Ned that his mother relocate to a facility where professionals could tend her – occurred the other day. In the midst of a relaxing after-dinner bath, Mrs. Stilzman heard her doorbell ring. She decided to answer it. Unfortunately, she forgot to throw on her bathrobe before opening the door. Her visitors got treated to the eye-opening display of her sagging flesh clad in nothing more than a shower cap.

The incident likely would’ve been written off as a harmless mistake, unworthy of further action, but for three critical factors: 1) the evening in question happened to be Halloween; 2) the visitors ringing Mrs. Stilzman’s doorbell were a group of pre-pubescent trick-or-treaters; and 3) Mrs. Stilzman had no candy to distribute.

Naturally, the children found the sight of Ned’s mom in the au natural highly amusing. One youthful wise-ass even put a name to her “costume,” referring to Mrs. Stilzman as “SpongeBob NoPants.”

As hilarious as they deemed the old lady’s eveningwear, some of the boys didn’t think the peepshow compensated for the absence of any sugar-filled treats. A dissatisfied youngster complained to his mother. In turn, she complained to the local police department. The responding officer was the one who talked to Ned and “recommended” Mrs. Stilzman’s relocation, after issuing her a summons for indecent exposure.

 
 
Remove the pants, and every other article of clothing, and you apparently have Mrs. Stilzman.

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