I’ve never seen a mother complain about her own kid more than my friend Ava. Almost every time we talk, she bemoans the failings of her youngest son: he doesn’t listen; he acts out; he goes through her stuff; he doesn’t pay attention in class; he lies; and so forth. Last week, she carped that the twelve-year-old also had violated her explicit prohibition against seeing R-rated movies.
I responded to the news of this latest outrage the same way I always do. I said: “Why don’t you sell him? I hear the black market for male Caucasian pre-teens is booming.”
Ava must’ve been especially frustrated because she didn’t offer her usual response of “not funny, Richard.” Instead, she told me: “You say the same thing every time, and I tell you to ‘screw yourself’ every time. But, you know, you’re right. Why shouldn’t I sell him? I might as well get paid for all the grief he’s caused me!”
Sure, I knew Ava didn’t actually want to auction her kid to the highest bidder. Yet a lack of actual intent didn’t prevent me from acting on her expressed desire. I decided to draft an appropriate ad for Craigslist and send it to her. Here’s what I wrote:
12 yr. old white boy, as is – $12,000
I have an extra kid I’m looking to get rid of. Though he’s not much in the brains department, he’s at least healthy, handsome and good with his hands. And with regular beatings, he’ll stay reasonably in line.
He should make an excellent addition to a strict home. But if he doesn’t work out, you can always harvest his organs and re-sell them piecemeal for a profit.
Contact me if you’re interested.
I emailed the ad to Ava this past Monday; but she didn’t see it then. Her snooping son found it on her laptop, and he deleted the message after printing a copy. As Ava testily informed me last night, she didn’t even learn of my work until yesterday, when she was shown a copy for the first time … by a concerned representative from New Jersey’s Division of Youth and Family Services, who demanded to know a) why Ava was attempting to sell her son and b) why the lad shouldn’t be removed from the home for his own protection.