I fear for the youth of America. Specifically, I worry over their ability to follow the simplest advice. And I disagree that the problem will solve itself merely if I stop counseling youngsters, as two irate parents suggested this afternoon.
My latest advice involves chasing women. It’s a subject I’m eminently qualified to discuss: the chasing aspect; not the catching part. When a college freshman raised the topic last month, I felt compelled to offer my hard-earned knowledge.
The freshman, whom I’ll refer to as “Abelard,” lives in our subdivision. One weekend early last month, I noticed him moping on his driveway. I asked him how things were going, and he replied: “Terribly.” He then told me of a freshman girl who refuses to give him the time of day, no matter how nicely he treats her. “What should I do, Richard?” he asked.
I sagely answered: “College girls don’t respond to ‘nice.’ As I’ve found, showing a woman courtesy and respect doesn’t work until she’s older and already beaten down by crappy relationships. Until then, reverse psychology and playing hard to get are the keys. College girls, I’m sorry to say, seem most attracted to the guys who ignore them and treat them like dirt.”
When Abelard expressed skepticism at my remarks, I shared my apocryphal freshman experience: “There was this gorgeous blond, “Jill Mannery,” who lived in my dorm. I wanted her in the worst way, and I thought nice and persistent would do the trick. For two weeks, I carried her backpack, bought her presents, and even wrote her cute notes and poems every day – ‘cute’ meaning I once spent three hours writing an entire letter backwards so she could only read it in a mirror! I finally bought two tickets for a campus concert, and I harangued her until she agreed to go. While I was off buying food and souvenirs for Jill, a lacrosse player who’d previously ignored her took her home. She went out with him for three years, even though he cheated on her and generally treated her like dog poop the whole time!”
Abelard sounded unconvinced: “I don’t want to act like a jerk, Richard. Is there any other way?”
As a matter of fact, I did know of one other surefire means to woo many a woman: “Yes there is. If you’re rich, and she knows it, it probably doesn’t matter how you treat her. In fact, I remember one time at a bar where I completely struck out with a girl until my friend told her my father was a millionaire. Five minutes later, I had her telephone number in hand.”
Abelard adopted a thoughtful expression and thanked me for the words of wisdom. Apparently, he attempted to follow my advice too. But it now seems obvious he didn’t pay close enough attention to the crux of my recommendation. As I learned from his irate parents today, he charged $3,000.00 on his emergency credit card, in a harebrained attempt to convince a coed he’s a millionaire. Trouble is, Abelard and his folks are not in fact millionaires, and he’ll likely spend the balance of his college years, if not more, paying off that credit charge.