#90 – This End Up

Our little Shitty, Prometheus, has a new friend – a purebred Yorkie named “Mr. Tootles.” Why such an ignominious name, you ask? Our neighbor’s eight-year-old daughter, the pooch’s ostensible owner, thought she should identify him by his most distinguishable trait. Since the puppy farts like a champ, Mr. Tootles he is.

Prometheus and twelve-week-old Tootles get along famously, for the most part. To my boy’s constant annoyance, his new buddy lives by the motto “what’s yours is mine; what’s mine is mine.”  He’s an unrepentant sinner, violating at least two of the Ten Commandments on a daily basis: thou shall not steal; and thou shall not covet any of thy neighbor’s property. Whatever toy Prometheus plays with, Tootles covets. And Tootles brazenly snatches each desired item straight out of his pal’s mouth! Even when both dogs receive identical bones, Tootles wants only Prometheus’s.

These best buds wrestle whenever they’re together. Though I’ve never seen a cornered badger, that’s what I picture when I watch the two of them at play. They charge full tilt at each other, teeth bared and snapping like jackhammers in an effort to grab a mouthful of hair or a stray leg. Tootles, who’s even smaller than Prometheus, uses his more diminutive stature to great advantage, coming in low and cutting my puppy’s legs out from under him.

I’m starting to wonder about Mr. Tootles though. I thought canines are guided by instinct and inherently know how to act properly dog-like. I’ve also assumed there’s no such thing as a gay dog. Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions, but I’ve seen some strange behavior lately.

The only activity Mr. Tootles seems to enjoy more than stealing Prometheus’ toys is humping him. Tootles obviously favors the “Greco-Roman” wrestling style, since every one of the dogs’ matches ends with him straddling his opponent from behind and furiously thrusting away. When Tootles first displayed this behavior, Prometheus stood rooted in place for a time, seemingly puzzled by his friend’s new “hold.” But once he realized Tootles’ goal, Prometheus shot off like any heterosexual male would when getting poked in the ass.

Even more bizarre than Mr. Tootles’ ordinary, run-of-the-mill humping attempts was this morning’s misdirected effort. Somehow as the two dogs scrummed, Tootles jumped atop his foe’s back, except oriented head to rear. And then, oddly, he proceeded to hump Prometheus’ noggin. It looked like Tootles sought to drill a hole in my puppy’s skull!

I sure hope neutering remedies Mr. Tootles’ disturbing conduct. While I don’t care if he’s gay, I won’t let him deflower my virginal puppy, or even worse, literally hump his brains out. In the meantime, I’ve suggested to his owner that she garb him in a more gender-appropriate harness, just in case the one he typically wears has something to do with his current behavior.

Mr. Tootles – One of the long lost Village People

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