My wife has an annoying habit of trespassing in my office. Though there’s a perfectly fine space for her upstairs, she insists on using my first floor room whenever the mood strikes her. Sophia defends her squatting on the grounds of marital privilege, but I fail to see how a wedding ring grants her the right to traipse into my personal space uninvited and unwelcomed. She makes herself at home there too, lounging in my executive chair, surfing the web on my computer, watching my TV and paying bills on my desk. At times she even wanders in merely to sing!
Sophia loves trying to sing. I say “trying” because no one who’s heard her believes she can carry a tune. Fortunately, unlike the deluded souls who can’t hit a single note but nonetheless proclaim themselves the next “American Idol,” she knows her limitations. Mortified at the thought of anyone listening to what passes for her musical stylings, she takes care to ensure nobody – including me – can hear when she warbles. Even so, there’ve been a few slips. I once blundered within range of her shower-time performance of “Hotel California” and my hair began sprouting grays soon after! (Coincidence? Not likely.) Other unlucky souls have also weathered her vocalizations, with reactions equally short of positive.
Some of the less complimentary feedback to my wife’s dulcet tones include: “Did someone stab a cat with a fork?”; “Who passed the kidney stone?”; and “Which nimrod slammed a door on his balls?” And those were just this morning’s responses … from the guys in my fantasy football league … during the conference call for our draft. I guess they didn’t appreciate the shocks to their systems from her attempted rendition of the Beyoncé ballad, “The Best Thing I Never Had.” Likewise, I’m sure Sophia’s stomach did cartwheels when the disembodied howls blared from my office phone’s speaker begging the auditory assault to end. Maybe next time she’ll think twice before sneaking into my office for an impromptu concert while I’m upstairs searching for the draft notes I’d misplaced.