I promised I’d report on my sister’s wedding, and now’s as good a time as any. Overall I can’t complain. The ceremony itself, performed by the groom’s Rabbi, was tasteful and blessedly short. Noticeably, the couples’ vows (carefully negotiated by the divorce lawyer groom and the private detective bride, or so I heard) were bereft of certain traditional elements. Neither Lisa nor Ed vowed to honor and obey the other or to remain joined for better or worse. Ed, who’d pushed for the “better or worse” omission, may’ve thought he’d seized a major win; but both my brother and I agreed that the lack of the “honor and obey” from Lisa would bite the groom in the ass eventually.
The reception at Ed’s country club proved a lovely affair overall. On the one hand, the lavish hors dourves and buffet dinner tasted excellent and the wedding band rocked. On the other hand, a few unwelcome surprises dampened the evening for certain of the participants.
Frank and I had wondered at Lisa’s silence in response to the pool he’d organized to guess the date her engagement would fall apart. We didn’t think her the type to accept graciously, without retaliation, the unlikely victory of actually reaching the altar. And our analysis proved correct, as we discovered when retrieving our seating cards for the reception. Lisa put our wives and the rest of the family at table #2. At the same time, separate cards for Frank and me listed #30. It took some doing, and a fair amount of questioning of the country club staff, to locate our designated seating … in the Men’s room. Nestled between the urinals and the stalls we found a table for two, covered with a white linen cloth and a flowery centerpiece and a placard labeled “Table 30.” We initially roared at Lisa’s well-played “joke,” until a waiter entered the bathroom to take our drink orders.
The evening’s second major shock belonged to my wife. The noted germaphobe and bug hater had bravely attempted to partake of all things food-related and even courageously taken a barefoot turn on the dance floor. All that ended abruptly though … after her trip to the Ladies’ room revealed an uninvited guest lying on the floor in front of the toilet seat where she carefully hovered. A photo of the offending interloper – hastily captured on Sophia’s cell-phone camera in the moment before she fled the restroom shrieking – follows below.
The night’s final surprise belonged to the groom and his substantially overweight mother and sister. Why Ed decided to check Facebook during his wedding reception (much less with his mother and sister looking on) remains a mystery. Unfortunately, when he did, his first sight happened to be of a photo I’d uploaded minutes earlier, courtesy of Frank’s visit to the Museum of Natural History the prior weekend. I’d captioned it: “The Buffet Line at the Stern-Greenspan Wedding Tonight.” Though I hadn’t specifically targeted Ed’s family with the picture, which also follows below, all the ensuing finger pointing and yelling didn’t leave much room for explanations.