#53 – A Case of Mistaken Identity

After yesterday’s incident at the mall, I’m beginning to think my neighborhood may no longer be big enough for both us and our neighbors. As it is, we haven’t been on good terms with “Lucrecia” and “Hernando” since the day I inadvertently blabbed my knowledge of Hernando’s cross-dressing fetish. I’m fairly sure now, one couple will need to relocate; else, I’m afraid violence may erupt.

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#55 – When the Kids are Away …

I don’t know why I derive such great satisfaction when my friends screw up in a Richard-like fashion. But I do. Take this afternoon, for instance. One of my closest friends from up north, Ava Fox, called to relate an incident from this morning. Ava and her husband, Danny, have been married for almost twenty years now; yet Danny pursues Ava for sex as if they’re newlyweds.

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#57 – I’m Touched

After years employing an old-fashioned Blackberry as my cell phone, I finally broke down and bought a spiffy new iPhone yesterday. I can’t deny it’s an amazing device. And I’m sure I’ll come to love its marvelous and diverse features … once I learn how to use it properly. At present, I’m still getting the hang of the touch screen. The results thus far have admittedly been mixed, as my experimentation with the unit has already subjected me (and others) to some unexpected outcomes.

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#58 – Oh Shiatsu!

My wife loves massages. In theory, I don’t, mainly because I’ve never particularly enjoyed being touched. Nonetheless, when Sophia (for my last birthday) purchased a session at a local Asian massage parlor, I could hardly refuse. She told me she’d sprung for the best package – the “Everything” deal – and insisted I’d love it. A couple of months ago, I finally went.

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#59 – The Early Bird

Yesterday, a distasteful habit of yore came back to bite me in the ass. One of my favorite “party tricks” used to involve eating worms. As a young adult, I thought nothing bespoke “cool” so much as a live earthworm dangling from my lips, and then vanishing down the gullet before an astonished bystander. But like so many good things, the pastime eventually fell by the wayside, mainly due to practical considerations (i.e., a desire to get laid before I turned seventy). As a result, prior to last morning, it’d been a good twenty years since I last sucked down a tasty annelid.

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#60 – “What’s that Smell?”

I think all people can be divided into two categories: sniffers and non-sniffers. Take me, for instance. I’m a certified non-sniffer. Without a doubt, scent remains my least favorite sense. In fact, every time I’ve played the “what if” game, and the question was “Which sense would you give up, if you had to lose one?,” I’ve always chosen smell. That means I don’t go looking for odors. If something doesn’t smell like death warmed over, I’m generally able to ignore it.

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#62 – “When Coddling Goes Astray”

I try not to overly coddle my dog. But it’s hard to avoid, since I’m constantly combating the bad influence set by my wife. She spends so much time carrying our little Shitty around that onlookers undoubtedly mistake him for a quadriplegic. In reality, however, he owns four perfectly functioning appendages. But thanks to my doting spouse (doting only on the dog, I assure you), he doesn’t seem unduly interested in using them. Who can blame him though? Why waste horsepower motoring himself from place to place, when a personal slave can bear him about instead, like some ancient Egyptian Pharaoh?

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