#22 – Itsy Bitsy Spider

I nearly soiled myself last night, when Sophia – in a note of clear distress – suddenly yelled from the bedroom “Honey, come quick!” Grabbing my phone (in anticipation of an imminent 911 call), I raced to her side, and quickly spotted … nothing: no arterial spray; no bone fragments jutting from exposed flesh; no dog with his little noggin caught in the headboard slats, again; no obvious sign of any disaster. Nonetheless, Sophia latched onto my arm as soon as I entered the room. In near panic, she pointed toward a carpeted spot in the far corner and gasped “Richard, do something about that spider!”

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#23 – Happy Birthday to You, or Not

Since the unfortunate events involving my dog and the Virgin Mary, and my niece and Cee Lo Green, I haven’t dared show my face at the residence now occupied by Sophia’s parents, her brother (Giuseppe), and his wife and kids. But with Giuseppe’s birthday falling yesterday, I saw my chance to make amends, by placing an online order with one of Atlanta’s best bakeries, for a decadent, seven-layer, chocolate birthday cake.

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#24 – Anything but the Marlboro Man

I hate smoking in general, but I’m especially against marketing tobacco to our youth – Prometheus included. Yesterday morning, a cigarette butt cast aside on my front lawn (courtesy of some unidentified douchebag) proved too tempting a morsel for the young canine. No, he didn’t light up; I have a strict rule against minors playing with matches. However, he did swallow the item whole.

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#25 – One for the Crapper

Yesterday, when Sophia’s sister-in-law and mother both came down with some sort of violent bug, my wife graciously volunteered “our” services to host her niece and nephew for the evening. I could tell Gina and Maria must’ve been sick as dogs, since neither of them said “boo” at the idea of leaving the tykes in my questionable company.

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#27 – No Price for Beauty?

You know those beautifying masks women cover their faces with, for toning, exfoliating, revitalizing, etc.? Those ridiculous, multi-hued pastes, which turn the loveliest of women into exiles from the latest mime festival? The clay-like facial cloaks, which prompt a guy to ask his wife “Didn’t we schedule clown sex for tomorrow night?” Well, in case you weren’t aware, those beautifying products can be expensive, some considerably moreso than others. And as I regrettably discovered, it’s best to know which ones are the costly items, before using them as props for immature practical jokes.

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#28 – The Funniest Man in the HOA

Tuesday night, Sophia showed me a Homeowners’ Association letter to her parents, advising that their statue of the Virgin Mary (on the front porch) requires approval from the Architectural Design Committee. I didn’t much appreciate her tone, when she doled out my marching orders: “Take care of this, Richard! If you can fix things for my mother, maybe my family will let you through their front door again.”

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#30 – Troubles Behind

Apparently, not even time and space can prevent me from causing inadvertent mishaps, as evidenced by the e-mail I received last night from Phil Donohue. He’s a partner at Schwartz Meisner, the New Jersey law firm where I toiled before moving to Georgia. He’s also a good friend of mine. Except, last night’s communiqué was not a social call.

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