#5 – Guns, Wills and Life Insurance, Oh My!

Last week I found my wife watching a forensics show – her favorite nighttime pursuit – with an episode featuring a deadly woman who claimed to have “accidentally” shot her husband between the eyes.  I thought Sophia seemed a tad too interested in the subject; but I didn’t feel overly concerned, then. 

When we awoke the following morning, however, Sophia suddenly announced her desire to buy a gun “for protection.”  My slight paranoia at the suspicious timing of this announcement ratcheted even further that night.  Shortly before bedtime, I overhead snippets of her telephone conversation with an unknown party.  Piquing my curiosity, Sophia informed her unidentified listener: “I know, he needs to sign his Will;” and “I agree, we need to make sure his life insurance is paid up.” 

I didn’t know why my wife wanted to kill me, unless she hadn’t been joking a few weeks ago when she threatened to stab me if I left my dirty underwear on the bathroom counter again. I refused to go down without a whimper though.  After a sleepless night, I locked myself in my office and penned a letter to my brother.  It began: “If you’re reading this then I’m already dead, murdered by the treacherous cur who married me.”  Moving on, I detailed all the evidence pointing to Sophia’s guilt, so Frank could make sure she didn’t get away with my assassination. I sealed the letter in an envelope addressed to him and scribbled a separate note instructing him to open the envelope only in the event of my death.  Except, before I could finalize the package, I had to run to court.  I left everything on the desk, intending to finish on my return. 

As it happened, both housecleaning and garbage pickup were scheduled that day.  I arrived home only to find my desk tidied with no sign of the letter or the separate note.  Apparently, our thorough housekeeper had accidentally tossed them out with the trash.  

Later that afternoon, my initial anger turned to praises of thanks.  Why?  Because I overheard another of Sophia’s phone conversations, and this one clarified certain critical details.  It turned out the life insurance policy and Will I’d heard discussed pertained to her father’s documents, not mine. Sophia and her brother Giuseppe (the now-identified “accomplice”) had grown concerned that their mother might be inadequately protected should her husband pass on.  All I could think was: thank God I didn’t send that letter!

That was a few days ago. Last night my clearly-perturbed wife played back a voicemail she’d received yesterday, from Frank.  His message got right to the point: “You despicable cunt! Richard’s letter explained it all, and I won’t rest until you get the Needle for killing him. My brother’s death will not go unavenged!!!”  

Oops!

MUNTINLUPA CITY, METRO MANILA, PHILIPPINES - 2004/02/24: A notice at the lethal injection chamber at New Bilibid Prison. Apparently President Joseph Estrada tried to stop an execution in 1999 of a man convicted of raping his daughter, but busy telephone lines prevented the president's call from reaching the prison in time, officials said. Eduardo Agbayani was executed as scheduled, becoming the second person put to death since the Philippines restored capital punishment in 1994. Seven executions took place here between 1999 and 2000, of Leo Echegaray in February 5, 1999; Eduardo Agbayani in June 25, 1999; Archie Bulan, Jesus Morallos and Dante Piandong were simultaneously executed on July 25, 1999; Pedrito Andan, October 26, 1999; and Andres Bartolome, January 6, 2000. The then-president Joseph Estrada declared a moratorium on judicial executions amid pressure from the influential Catholic church and human rights groups. The New Bilibid Prison is a high security prison with about 10,000 inmates, approximately 1,000 of whom are on death row. Of these, 174 have reached the end of their appeals and their death sentences have been affirmed. They now believe they will die after President Arroyo met with members of the Chinese business community and lifted the moratorium on the death penalty on 15th December 2004. (Photo by Gerhard Joren/LightRocket via Getty Images)

Could Sophia be next?

 


Comments

#5 – Guns, Wills and Life Insurance, Oh My! — 1 Comment

  1. I laughed out loud. The previous posts were extremely funny, but this one caused me to laugh all day long. The trouble Richard got himself into, with Frank’s help, was positively Kramdenesque.

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