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You know the old adage, “shit happens”? Well, it tends to happen to me, a lot; Friday’s fiasco serving as a perfect case in point. I take Crestor for my cholesterol, to keep those arteries unclogged. And beginning last year, I also started taking Levitra … for a somewhat different blood flow issue. Both pills are small, round and pinkish in hue. If one isn’t sufficiently careful, it’s easy to confuse them. I guess I’m not sufficiently careful.

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The family’s elder statesman, my brother Frank, telephoned last night. Mr. Public Defender wanted to amuse me with the tale of the latest miscreant he’d represented. According to Frank, young Thom Forrest, a testosterone-laced lad of 16, had unwittingly solicited a sexual act from an undercover policewoman, having mistaken her for a whore.

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Boy, am I pissed! Oedipus has gone missing, and all signs point to Sophia as the guilty party. Oedipus is my pet iguana, named after the ancient Greek king who married his mother and killed his father. Not that I condone such behavior. No, I just thought it fitting to put all the money my parents spent on a degree in Greek history to some use.

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I used to keep secrets like a champ, but not anymore. It’s not that I intentionally spill the beans. Rather, my ever-shrinking brain lately has trouble remembering which juicy tidbit constitutes a closely guarded confidence, and which represents fodder for the general gossip mill. Take this afternoon, for instance.

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Last week, I found my wife watching a forensics show – her favorite nighttime pursuit – with an episode featuring a deadly woman, who claimed to have “accidentally” shot her husband between the eyes. I thought Sophia seemed a tad too interested in the subject, but I didn’t feel overly concerned, then.

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My wife’s always denied having ever watched porn, any porn. After last night’s event, I’m more inclined to believe her. Recently, she asked me if I thought we should “spice up our love life” …? That’s a phrase I ordinarily view with deep suspicion (owing to an unfortunate incident during my first marriage). However, when the Mrs. finished her thought with “by watching an X-rated movie together,” I (or, to be precise, Little Richard) said “absolutely!”

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After mournfully boxing up Oedipus’ aquarium and heat rock – all while flashing my best evil eye at Sophia – I sat down to breakfast this morning … only to find that my wife, the (alleged) lizard slayer, had added insult to injury, by drinking the milk I’d intended for my Grape Nuts. The result was an unscheduled trip to the supermarket for yours truly.

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